Bio test in the morning? I should be studying? This is becoming a pattern.
Today has been tiring. I didnt sleep enough, I didnt get enough food… or ‘food’, and my mind has been running a million miles an hour. Its really hitting me how close to going home I am… and how little Ill actually be home once Im there. The logistics are all starting to fall into place, but I cant help but wonder if Ive made the right choice for my summer. Im most defin… Ive also learned that I cannot spell that word… so dont be offended… Im most deffinatly excited to be in the gorge and living out of a tent, but I doubt my ability to find another group of friends there. Im also wondering if Im healthy enough to do that.
This is the first health related post (and the third post, I suppose its not suprising its taken 3…). For anyone reading this in the future (since I know no one is reading it now), I have a laundry list of things that dont work the way they should, or things that just flat out suck. For example, EGID. My immune system attacks me when I eat food, so this spring, I was put on a feeding tube. At this point in time, I eat tomato, potato, and rice by mouth and get almost all my nutrition from an amino acid based formula. Yum. I also have gastroparesis in my stomach, esophagus and intestines are yet to be tested, meaning my stomach takes way longer to process and move food than it should, also meaning I have to keep my pump set relatively low and connected most of the time. Luckily, I have a great network of Eos Buddies that I can talk to. My regular friends are so supportive, and Im way lucky to have them, but sometimes its nice to have people who just get it without any simile.
The one thats been bugging me most the last few weeks, though, is my mystery joint/muscle issue. The doctors Ive seen havent been able to decide what exactly it is, from rheumatoid arthritis, to regular arthritis and fibromyalgia. Either way, its not so good. Most days, its bareable. Ill have swollen knees, or an aching elbow, but nothing I cant deal with. Today is not one of those days. Almost every joint and muscle is aching or swollen. I couldnt even shake my own bottle of formula tonight, my fingers couldnt handle it. I know these episodes usually go away pretty quickly, but each time it scares me. Everything I enjoy would be demolished if I was in this sort of pain all the time. How can you climb with fingers that cant even hold a waterbottle? Luckily, now that Im seeing the Eos team in Denver, Ill be able to see another Rheumatologist, and hopefully theyll at least be able to get me some answers. Im still fearful, though. I go insane if Im still too long.
On the other hand, pain likes this makes me remember what Im afraid to lose. In this case: climbing. Ive recently lost my climbing psyche, and havent been going very often. This is suprising to even myself. Now that Im hurting though, all I can think about is pulling some beautiful, techy crimpers… which brings me back to summer. Assuming I can move again, I will be in my favorite climbing location, ever. I am so stoked… except when I remember that its time to get over my lead climbing fears. My fear of falling is crippling. When Im being a TR princess, I can climb a mean 12. On lead? Its a good day if I get up a hard 10. Its not that I dont trust my belayers… okay, sometimes thats part of it… but its more so that I simply do not like the feeling of falling. Or, I dont enjoy what I think the feeling of falling will be. Usually, when I fall, its not nearly as bad as I anticipated. But thats beside the point. Its terrifying, especially when Im actually climbing. A long talk with one of my favorite ‘brothers’ though, makes me think Ill be able to do it. Im so lucky to have the friends I do, I really am.
So this summer, my goal is to fall. Whether it be on rope, with people, whatever. Im going to give up some of my control and just dive in, because with my medical issues, I never know how long Ill have to dive into these sorts of things.
“Without fear and illness, I could never have accomplished all that I have” -Edvard Munch