Monthly Archives: April 2011

Falling

Bio test in the morning? I should be studying?  This is becoming a pattern.

Today has been tiring. I didnt sleep enough, I didnt get enough food… or ‘food’, and my mind has been running a million miles an hour. Its really hitting me how close to going home I am… and how little Ill actually be home once Im there. The logistics are all starting to fall into place, but I cant help but wonder if Ive made the right choice for my summer. Im most defin… Ive also learned that I cannot spell that word… so dont be offended… Im most deffinatly excited to be in the gorge and living out of a tent, but I doubt my ability to find another group of friends there. Im also wondering if Im healthy enough to do that.

This is the first health related post (and the third post, I suppose its not suprising its taken 3…). For anyone reading this in the future (since I know no one is reading it now), I have a laundry list of things that dont work the way they should, or things that just flat out suck. For example, EGID. My immune system attacks me when I eat food, so this spring, I was put on a feeding tube. At this point in time, I eat tomato, potato, and rice by mouth and get almost all my nutrition from an amino acid based formula. Yum. I also have gastroparesis in my stomach, esophagus and intestines are yet to be tested, meaning my stomach takes way longer to process and move food than it should, also meaning I have to keep my pump set relatively low and connected most of the time. Luckily, I have a great network of Eos Buddies that I can talk to. My regular friends are so supportive, and Im way lucky to have them, but sometimes its nice to have people who just get it without any simile.

The one thats been bugging me most the last few weeks, though, is my mystery joint/muscle issue. The doctors Ive seen havent been able to decide what exactly it is, from rheumatoid arthritis, to regular arthritis and fibromyalgia. Either way, its not so good. Most days, its bareable. Ill have swollen knees, or an aching elbow, but nothing I cant deal with. Today is not one of those days. Almost every joint and muscle is aching or swollen. I couldnt even shake my own bottle of formula tonight, my fingers couldnt handle it. I know these episodes usually go away pretty quickly, but each time it scares me. Everything I enjoy would be demolished if I was in this sort of pain all the time. How can you climb with fingers that cant even hold a waterbottle? Luckily, now that Im seeing the Eos team in Denver, Ill be able to see another Rheumatologist, and hopefully theyll at least be able to get me some answers. Im still fearful, though. I go insane if Im still too long.

On the other hand, pain likes this makes me remember what Im afraid to lose. In this case: climbing. Ive recently lost my climbing psyche, and havent been going very often. This is suprising to even myself. Now that Im hurting though, all I can think about is pulling some beautiful, techy crimpers… which brings me back to summer. Assuming I can move again, I will be in my favorite climbing location, ever.  I am so stoked… except when I remember that its time to get over my lead climbing fears. My fear of falling is crippling. When Im being a TR princess, I can climb a mean 12. On lead? Its a good day if I get up a hard 10. Its not that I dont trust my belayers… okay, sometimes thats part of it… but its more so that I simply do not like the feeling of falling. Or, I dont enjoy what I think the feeling of falling will be. Usually, when I fall, its not nearly as bad as I anticipated. But thats beside the point. Its terrifying, especially when Im actually climbing. A long talk with one of my favorite ‘brothers’ though, makes me think Ill be able to do it. Im so lucky to have the friends I do, I really am.

So this summer, my goal is to fall. Whether it be on rope, with people, whatever. Im going to give up some of my control and just dive in, because with my medical issues, I never know how long Ill have to dive into these sorts of things.

“Without fear and illness, I could never have accomplished all that I have” -Edvard Munch

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Filed under Spring 2011

Endings

Another presentation due tomorrow, another post it is.

Remarkably, in just 2 weeks, Ill be headed home. I can hardly believe I wont see any one from Laramie for close to four months, let alone that I wont be in away from everyone at home… well, not as far away from. All of first semester, my thoughts were centered around the idea that I just wanted to be back home where things were comfortable and I was surrounded by the people I knew cared about me. When I had to go back to school after winter break, I wasnt in an especially good place.

Somewhere in that mess, I found a certain amount of calm here. I still had to deal with all the drama that naturally happens with people as well as in my mind, but I had fewer others to worry about. Fewer people to worry about letting down, about hurting, to protect myself from… I dont know if this is a good thing or not, but it is what it is. Sometimes, Im lonely here. But Im definatly going to miss it this summer.

It also seems I may have grown some this semester, too. Im not longer quite so terrified of things changing. If I was, I would be spending my summer at home. Instead, Ill be in Kentucky. Now, this could either render me even more detached, considering Ill be living out of a tent, or even more content that I would have been at home. Heres to hoping.

I think thats all the words I want to share.

“My brave mind wanders and my weak heart brakes…” -Rives

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Filed under Spring 2011

Hello

Currently, I should be writing an essay. I have .5 of 5 pages complete. Awesome.

This is about how it works, though. The times I most feel like saying something or telling a story, I should be analyzing the effects of Darwin, Marx, and Freud on the decrowing of humanity. Hi ho. Itll happen eventually.

But for now, a story.

Spring in Laramie is one of the strangest things I have expereinced. Ever. Its gone from 70 and sunny one day, to snow for three. And tonight, it was both snowing and raining. Probably about 1/16 snow, to 15/16 rain. It was bizarre, but beautiful in the streetlights.

Monday, it was raining. My favorite. Not pansy rain, either. There were gorgeous bouts of downpour intermixed with spitting and a calm, steady fall. The plan was to go to dinner, which I had to coherce Aaron into to begin with. When we got outside, though, I realized that I needed to walk around instead. Luckily, Aaron understands that Im four, so he agreed to go with it. We walked south of campus to my new favorite park. There were so many puddles. Deep puddles. My mastery of puddle splashing managed to drench my jeans all the way up my leg. Needless to say, I was ecstatic.

We finally got to the park and almost immediatly noticed the for sale sign in the lawn of a dark green house across the street. If I wanted to live my days in Laridise and had more than $6 to my name, there would be no doubt in my mind. We plotted and planned, from convincing his dad to switch from the house he, Scotty, and I would be living in next year to ideas of blackmail. Id be getting the dirt on the poor people who lived there. It would work though.

A lake of a puddle pulled me away. Little did I notice, it was right in front of a truck with two bros sitting in the front seat. I got funny looks for that one… but I kept splashing and singing and spinning all the way to the amplitheatre… where I continued my list of ‘s’ verbs…

Basically, there was no point to that story. We walked around the park more, and walked back to the dorms. I was soaked. Aaron less so. But, it reminds me how lucky I am to have the friends I have, how I hope I can enjoy things like rain even as I get older, how nice it feels to forget about being sick, how close I am to leaving ‘childhood’, and how I need to find a way to stay awake. And sometimes, I think those are important things to say.

Ill end on this, not because its related, but because its one of those things thats tugging me forward:

“Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality. When we recognize our place in an immensity of light-years and in the passage of ages, when we grasp the intricacy, beauty, and subtlety of life, then that soaring feeling, that sense of elation and humility combined, is surely spiritual. So are our emotions in the presence of great art or music or literature, or acts of exemplary selfless courage such as those of Mohandas Gandhi or Martin Luther King, Jr. The notion that science and spirituality are somehow mutually exclusive does a disservice to both.” -Sagan

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Filed under Spring 2011