Schools out. No tests to study for, no presenations, no papers… well actually, I do have one of those yet… another day, though.
Ive been home for about 5 days now… its been very strange. Ive loved seeing everyone for sure, and sleeping in my bed is nothing less than heavenly… but all very strange none the less. Siblings are still in school and parentals are working, so I have the house to myself almost all day, exept for Rusty… but he doesnt count. He sleeps as much as I do. I feel so utterly useless during the day. Then, when my family finally gets home, Im off doing other things (endurance is coming back, slowly but surely).
Anyway, all this sitting time has left me focused on two things: how Im feeling and life. (Broad topic, I know.) Ill start with the easier. One of the nicest things about being home has been the ability to talk to people face to face about gut problems who understand… like tonight at dinner, there were 4 of us discussing our bowels. It was fantastic… and amusing to watch the expressions of the other people at our table 🙂 Im slowly realizing what sort of situation Im in, though. I tend not to think of my situation as espcially serious. Sure, I have a tube, Im not really eating food, I cant tolerate eating much of anything… but everyone is a little screwed up, right? Tonights discussion and the last few days have me wondering if my gastroparesis is getting worse (I know this is really information you want to know)… and it makes me nervous. I had been doing really well with not feeling nauseated after eating/feeds for the last few months, but the last few days have not been good. Ive had to stop eating/feeds and have wound up venting my stomach a handful of times already. It seems like its that and a potential reaction… but I havent really added anything. I dont know. Its frustrating, and Im worried something drastic will happen while Im in Kentucky… I know it wont… but what if?
Thats all just my surface level worries though. As per usual, Ive let my brain slip into the depths of things I dont necessarily want to think about. All this visiting is making me realize all that Ive missed and the fact that this is not going to be a permanant place for me anymore. I really miss everyone here… it hits me hard everytime Im hanging out with them. Im torn between feeling like I should just stay here and fall back into the comfort of all of it, or recognizing my need to be elsewhere and to keep here as a point of refuge. Its all very confusing sometimes.
(Side note. Ive learned how to spell definitely. The word feels different now, as I think “def-ina-telly” now, to remember how to spell it. Funny how words get such a feeling to them.)
I let this sit for too long. Last edited May 14th, the feelings have changed. So Ill post this. Sorry if it leaves you feeling incomplete or something… You being my non-existant audience.
“Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun” -Rossetti